Warning: This story includes themes of abuse, violence and suicide.
Survivors of state abuse from across the country gathered at Kokiri Marae in Wellington at the weekend for the first wananga of its kind.
Although the wānanga focused on the future aspirations of survivors, the pain and anguish for some is still unbearable.
Missy Robinson travelled from Nelson to be a part of the wānanga. She says she had to overcome internal troubles just to be at the wānanga.
“My anxiety levels have gone from zero to a thousand and that anxiety level in the back of my mind - I didn't want to relive that memory,” she said.
“So mentally we've had to live with this in our minds and it's ruled our lives for so many years. It's now time for us to let it out and let our voices be heard about the sort of treatment that we were given,” she said
She became an orphan at eight years old and was later taken into the custody of the state at 11. Cut off from her family and abused by those who were responsible for her well-being, the effects of that trauma are still felt by her today.
'I always feel dirty'
“People who were meant to care for us, who were meant to be there to awhi us, to support us and uplift me, never did that. As a child I didn't have those life experiences and I was ashamed of that. You feel dirty. I have OCD. I have counselling for OCD because I always feel dirty.”
“I can't sleep with the light off in my home because the darkness scares me. Not because I'm scared of the dark but because of the memories from my childhood,” she said
She credits her survival to the birth of her child.
“My daughter saved me because she gave me a purpose to live and love again. I hated life. I actually didn't want to be here. I've had a lot of sadness happen in my life but I'm a strong wahine now.”
Organiser Karl Tauri found some of the stories as harrowing as some of the survivors.
“The answers have got to come from us, our expertise and alleyways. They've got to start listening to those experts because it's us who have been through it.
Strong wahine
"We're lived experience. You can't beat that,” he said
An outcome of the wānanga is for the survivors to establish an entity that solidifies their role as contributors to change both at a grassroots level to government department levels.
“The national body is to take notice of who we are, to ensure we get the structures and things right, to make sure there is a safety plan, a safety network and after plan. The what’s next for our kids and what’s next for our moko,” he said
“It's very much the true embodiment of tino rangatiratanga, taking back full responsibility and sovereignty of who we are.”
The next wānanga is scheduled for June this year in Rotorua.